The Misadventures of José Faxner

Well, I’m back. After a couple of days of shopping (and catching a cold) in Tokyo, I landed in Sweden about a week ago. It’s a very strange feeling; on one hand things are as familiar as you’d expect, but at the same time alot of stuff feels really alien. Adapting has really on the whole been easier than I had anticipated though, and I’m largely back in my old gears already.

While I suppose I should be happy I’m not suffering from a horrible culture shock, my quick “recovery” of sorts has left me with a feeling that was as unpredictable as it is uncomfortable. Going to Japan had of course been a dream of mine for a long time, and during my year there, even towards the end, I would find myself figuratively pinching myself in disbelief that I had made it there. Returning to Sweden, I knew beforehand that I would miss Japan, and that I would be upset as Japan would once again seem like the most distant place in the world. What I hadn’t been ready for though, was the sense that - all of a sudden - all of my great memories and experiences in Japan would feel like they never happened. And yet that’s exactly the way things turned out.
Almost immediately after coming back to Sweden, everything I could remember about Japan started to feel strangely surreal (well, moreso than it does usually), and memories started feeling kind of hazy. It’s not that I’m forgetting stuff, but what a month ago felt like it happened “a while ago” now feels like it happened in a different life, and the people; close friends, people I love and people I dislike, started to feel like characters in some sort of drama playing in my head.

I’m coping with it, but I can’t lie; it was a really strong feeling that most definitely overwhelmed me at first, and I don’t think I’m quite over it yet. It helps that I’m able to keep in touch at least with a few friends from the previous year, even if that too isn’t being kept up as well as maybe I’d hoped. I have been in touch with quite a few people, and alot of others really aren’t more than an e-mail away, but that said I’ve found myself really starved for attention from everyone that I miss so much.

And perhaps that’s been my greatest surprise coming back here. I worried alot about losing touch with people, both myself and my friends being lazy, forgetful, or for no particular reason just not really communicating much. I certainly wouldn’t say that’s happened - for one, I’ve barely been gone from most people for more than a few weeks - but what I’ve come to realize is that the simple occasional e-mail isn’t quite cutting it, for me personally. I can’t expect people to write to me all the time - it’s selfish not to mention hypocritical, considering I haven’t been writing much to alot of people myself - but basically every moment that goes by that I’m not in contact with any of my friends from AIU is nothing short of agonizing. I’ve found myself waiting for the hours to go by so that friends from Japan, the US or whereever are gonna show up online so I can talk to them. And everytime someone does show up, but doesn’t have the time or ability to talk, it’s like a taunting reminder that this whole ordeal is going to be a hell of a lot more work than I had wanted or perhaps even hoped.

As several of my close friends can attest to, I tend to overthink and worry alot about things that really should be insignificant. Not saying leaving good friends isn’t a big deal, cause it kinda is (in my mind anyway), but I’m suspecting this character trait of mine is kind of turning the situation into an even bigger deal than it already was, causing me a fair bit of mental anguish along the way.

This has made me think. As of now, I’m pretty much not doing anything - I’m not in school, I don’t have a job and in fact I’m not really actively preparing for either. As such I probably end up having, and spending, alot more time thinking about talking with friends and whatnot than perhaps some of my friends in similar situations are. I figured, since this occupies such a big part of my everyday life right now, maybe it’ll get better once I’m actually doing something? I do think that is the case (to some extent), but that line of reasoning in turn made me realize something else - I don’t really WANT to spend less time thinking about this stuff. And I certainly don’t want to spend any less time actually talking to and communicating with my friends from AIU. Hell, if I have the chance, I want to spend more time with these people than I did when I was there!

It wasn’t a happy revelation, but I guess things are kind of bound to be unhappy on some levels when it comes to being separated from friends. I suppose all I can do is to make whatever efforts I can to keep the fire burning, so to speak. I am a procrastinator, and a bad one at that (as anyone who reads this blog knows!), so when it comes to not staying in touch I’m as guilty as anyone else. I’m working on trying to write people I haven’t written yet, and just like I really want to get the ball rolling with this blog again, I really really want to actually get started writing to people as well. I have written to a few people, but there are lots more I want to write to as well. And by the time I’ve made it through the list, I’m sure it’ll be time to get in touch with those first people again. It’ll be a fulltime job, but one that I hope will have results good enough to make it worth it.

On that note, I really want to encourage everyone from AIU to do the same thing. I would really really love it if you dropped me a line, but I’m sure you have a lot of other people to write to as well. I don’t want to get all preachy-like and tell you to immediately write everyone in your phone book - but if you’re reading this, chances are you weren’t terribly preoccupied in the first place. So, if you have the time, please write something to a few people. I’m sure they will appreciate it.